Sobriety and the City

Unconventional Valentine’s Day gift Ideas from me to YOU

Aside from the obligatory BJ and drugstore champagne, there is a host of unconventional Valentine’s day gifts for your loved ones. So wipe off your wet-and-wild lipstick, put down those bottles of luke warm Andre and take a look at these helpful suggestions that are sure to take your Valentine’s day from fun to maybe a bit freaky. In the best way possible.

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#sariforpartying

It’s OFFICIAL. I have succumbed  to the gods above and now have a twatter handle. follow me at #sariforpartying. I promise to make as many inappropriate rants within 140 characters as possible.

@sariforpartying

Yoga and the City: Sex Pose or Act of Defecation?

I rekindled my relationship with Yoga this past week and sadly I still can’t touch my toes, my arthritic bones rhythmically crack like a wooden glockenspiel, and during the five minutes of “mindful” meditation I think about the multiple shows recording on my DVR and pray to the higher being that Shahs of Sunset will not be kicked off my queue. #firstworldproblems #morallybankrupt 

(I’ve decided to insert as many hashtags in day to day conversation and even start a META social media twatter trend with the use of “#hashtag”. Yes, I call it twatter…that is not a typo. And an example of #hashtag would be in response to the following:

“Do you think there will be a fiscally sound solution to the debt crisis in Greece?” #hashtag…

“What really happened in the movie inception? #hashtag…

“Is that Asian female 30 or 65?” #hashtag…

You get the gist? Meta. 

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Sari for Partying: Brown Party 101

As an Indian American female living in the Bay Area, I am exposed to a unique class of party known colloquially as the “Brown Party”. “Brown Party” refers to the fact that 90% of attendees are, indeed, of the Indian persuasion. Aside from the ethnic make-up of these gatherings, brown parties exhibit unique features which are both endearing and horrifying. I would say a brown party resembles Scott Disick (aka Kourtney Kardashian’s baby daddy/sociopath). When you first meet Scott for a drink, he is a charming motherfucker who promises you a great time. Three shots of black label later, he is destroying public property, urinating on statues, and projectile vomiting while crying over relationship woes. #sariforpartying

Six Distinguishing Features of a Brown Party:

1. Express Men is the unofficial corporate sponsor. The myriad of colorful woven button down tops worn by male guests is astounding. Whether it’s highlighter yellow or gemstone turquoise, these men replicate a packet of skittles. 

2. Tears. Tears. and more Tears. There are at least five females brought to tears over inane, laughable indiscretions. “I can’t believe my ex just linked-in friended that SKANK. Network in other ways you JERK.” or “I thought he was exclusively talking to ME. I can’t believe he is talking to HER. He cannot converse with other females in front of me!! I JUST edited his med school application. What a dirt bag.”

3. The night is not complete without a Bollywood fusion dance off. As soon as Justin Timberlake, Jay Sean, hell even Nirvana accidentally starts blaring out of the ipod, expect a dance off that features cross-cultural moves including the “light bulb”, “sea walk” and the “Jai Ho (I made this up- it’s what I use to describe arms flailing in the air coupled with uncoordinated foot movements”. 

4. The combined brainpower of all attendees is bananas, but the BAC is even more BANANAS. #sariforpartying. (If #sariforpartying becomes the next trendy hashtag, I better get credited. Or else I will go Tamil Tiger (Wikipedia this) on your asses…)

5. Incestuous. Think six degrees of Kevin Bacon but replace that with “two degrees of brown people”. This must be a cultural nod back to the caste system days…keeping it all in the family.

1400 BC

“But dad, I don’t want to marry my sister”

“Son, as a Brahmin you must keep the blood pure. Having a baby with an arm growing out of it’s head is but a small price to pay. Now finish your abacus studies because in 3000 years our people will be DOMINATING in math and science…” 

6. “Game” consists of lines including “We were in a statistics class together. Can I buy you a drink?” and ” (Silence as creepster gives you the once over) “. “Want to hit up Naan-n-Curry’s 24 hour buffet?”. And my personal favorite “I think your fair complexion will look good next to my diploma from Harvard Business School. Lets talk dowry, hot stuff.”