Ladies and gentlemen of the intranet! Hear ye, Hear ye! I am pleased to announce my return to the blogosphere. Albeit, there are a few variations to my original proposition. Sobriety is no longer sobriety but rather “cautiously optimistic alcohol consumption”. After the discovery of a cornucopia of dietary restriction (I call this my “why does god hate me” “quarter life crisis” moment) I have been forced to limit my alcohol consumption to beverages with the following qualities:
1. White and Dry Wines: Similar to how I prefer my men, actually. The more translucent, lacking of substance, and void of robust feeling or body the better.
2. Gluten free vodka: Yes this is a real thing that was probably manufactured by genius Portlandians who discovered a niche market of celiacoholics. Gluten free vodka tastes best when chased with kombucha, liquified pretension, and unicorn tears.
3. Coconut water infused with Rohypnol.
Aside from the obligatory BJ and drugstore champagne, there is a host of unconventional Valentine’s day gifts for your loved ones. So wipe off your wet-and-wild lipstick, put down those bottles of luke warm Andre and take a look at these helpful suggestions that are sure to take your Valentine’s day from fun to maybe a bit freaky. In the best way possible.
So the friendly FB “Poke” takes on a whole new meaning…
It’s OFFICIAL. I have succumbed to the gods above and now have a twatter handle. follow me at #sariforpartying. I promise to make as many inappropriate rants within 140 characters as possible.
I rekindled my relationship with Yoga this past week and sadly I still can’t touch my toes, my arthritic bones rhythmically crack like a wooden glockenspiel, and during the five minutes of “mindful” meditation I think about the multiple shows recording on my DVR and pray to the higher being that Shahs of Sunset will not be kicked off my queue. #firstworldproblems #morallybankrupt
(I’ve decided to insert as many hashtags in day to day conversation and even start a META social media twatter trend with the use of “#hashtag”. Yes, I call it twatter…that is not a typo. And an example of #hashtag would be in response to the following:
"Do you think there will be a fiscally sound solution to the debt crisis in Greece?" #hashtag…
"What really happened in the movie inception? #hashtag…
"Is that Asian female 30 or 65?" #hashtag…
You get the gist? Meta.
The greatest digital marketing campaign courtesy of Burger King… this brought me hours of entertainment in college. I have fond memories of asking the subservient chicken to “dance, chicken, dance” and even “go fuck yourself, chicken”. Sadly the algorithm doest not humor such commands…. Enjoy!
….[Miley] Cyrus, whose fourth album, a blend of hip-hop and metal featuring Mary J. Blige and Tyler the Creator, is set to be released very soon…